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(Since Oct. 7, 1999)

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My neighbor J.C. is 17 years into his second marriage. He's a good friend and the kind of guy who knows how to fix anything. J.C. must own one of every tool known to man and, unlike me, knows how to use all of them.

The reason I mention J.C. is that I frequently blame him for everything that goes wrong in my home and in my marriage. I don't really blame him, personally, but all old married guys like J.C. who never felt compelled to tell innocent waifs like myself any of the real inside dope about what marriage really requires.

I tell him things and he rolls his eyes, chuckles at me and says, "Yeah, well."

Well, the buck stops here. As my own fourth anniversary approaches, I want to share some data with any man who is engaged or thinking about taking the leap. Not that you shouldn't do it just know a few things to expect after the honeymoon.

IN-LAWS. Don't argue with them, don't be critical of them when they're not around and whatever you do, don't agree with your wife when she's taking shots at them. When your family is the target, don't bother to defend them. You can't.

SPENDING. She'll always spend more than you have, blame it on you and wonder aloud about your inability to properly support a family. Remember: what's yours is hers, what's hers is hers and you're welcome to spend any spare change you find in pay phones.

DRIVING. You don't do it right. Too fast. Too slow. The criticisms becomes a lot like sex, but more frequent.

BUYING A HOUSE. Don't do it. It will cost every penny you will earn for the next 15 years, deny you even a moment's peace and that's not even considering the first time the plumbing backs up. And when it does, don't even think about asking if she flushed some personal hygienic item down there. The answer is always no. (Wink, wink.)

HOUSEWORK. Ready when you are, son. She's got more important things to do.

YARDWORK. See housework.

SCHEDULING. Planning to work late at the office a few evenings this week to catch up? Yeah, right. You'll pay for that decision.

YOUR FRIENDS. They're losers. Especially the single ones. And single women friends forget they ever existed.

PORNOGRAPHY. You've never looked at it, aren't interested in it, feel sorry for people who are and you won't point out to your wife that there's very little difference between a naughty nightie contest and the Chippendale dancers.

HER HAIR. It's beautiful. Even if you could have done a better job with your electric hedge trimmer, tell her she looks fabulous and mean it. Get that sincere, puppydog look in your eyes like you did the first time you begged her for sex.

HER PERIOD. Don't mention it. Don't refer to it, don't anticipate it, don't mark it on your calendar (especially not in red) and whatever you do, don't blame anything she says or does on it.

SEX. There's a simple formula used for predicting marital frequency. Take the average number of times you did it per week before the wedding and multiply by 52. Then divide by 12 to get your average annual rate of coupling in the first year of marriage. For each subsequent year, divide by two.

By the way, J.C. says there's a reason guys like him never tell guys like us what we're really up against.

"You'd never believe us," he says.

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